"Shred Fest" @ New England Federal Credit Union

August 09 , 2006 in SecurShred in the News

Williston, VT
Thursday, July 22, 2006

As I pulled into the bank parking lot, I mentally questioned whether two huge document shredders and a table with brochures are worthy of the suffix “fest.” Sure, it was under a tent, but there were no jugglers or fried dough in sight. Rather, this was a scene of pure, unmitigated document destruction.

In terms of sheer shredding capability, the SecureShred trucks in front of the NEFCU could probably handle Kenneth Lay’s bunker of fraud without a problem. To experience these huge machines at work, I dropped some old bank statements into a trash can, which was picked up by one of the trucks and inhaled into the back, where the shredder was. (Unfortunately it wasn’t the villain from Ninja Turtles.) I watched my paperwork’s slaughter on a small, closed-circuit TV feed. This way, I could be sure the truck didn’t contain any PATRIOT Act-enforcing agents looking for evidence of terrorist activities—in my case, library fines or Hot Topic receipts. Nor was there a petty criminal waiting to burgle my identity and sully my reputation by becoming a famous ballroom dancer. Nope, I could see right there on the screen that the back of the truck was like a Steve Vai album: nothing but shredding.

One of the SecureShred employees told me that a tissue factory would be recycling the paper shreds. I immediately imagined the wood pulp going full circle, soaking up tears in the back of a courtroom as the gavel came down on some corporate thug. Then I realized that the world is not so conveniently ironic, and that the old bank statements-turned-tissues would more likely serve someone watching “As the World Turns.”

I asked a nearby NEFCU employee if anyone had tried to shred anything unusual, such as a mother-in-law. No relatives, she said, but someone nearly shred a nail clipper and a butter knife that happened to be in the box of documents they brought to destroy. No scissors, however, were trying to sacrifice themselves to the god of cutting technology. Guess they still have delusions of grandeur. – JAKE TUCK